This late night post thing seems to be a habit now

I was never comfortable openly declaring that I was special. Well, maybe I was when I was two, but I think most of us had rather few inhibitions at that age, and as far as we were concerned, the world WAS all about us.
Damn right you should pay attention to me, momma. If you don't I'll just keep on screaming and crying.
Regardless.

I don't think I'm alone in this. Which is why I'm finally writing it down and exposing it on the most public forum possible: the internet. Some people won't get it, some people won't get it but will humor me, and some will know exactly what I'm talking about, and how I feel.

I allow for the fact that each person has their own unique perspective. On themselves. On others. On the world. On what else is out there, why we're here, and what it means to interact. What's moral. What's disgusting.

But I can't help feeling that I see things differently from others.

At this point I start to cringe at myself. I don't want to be “one of those people” who thinks they're so totally special and better than everyone else. And I'm not. I hardly could call myself truly egotistical, even if I take pride in things I've done and accomplished, and am happy with who I've become. Which is why this is uncomfortable for me to write.

I think it comes from the creative aspect of myself. It's as if I touch reality in a different place, sometimes one that is far removed from others. Certainly, I can function just fine in the everyday world, despite some minor absentmindedness. But the lens I see through seems... well, queer.

I'm sensitive to things that don't bother others so much. Sometimes I'm more emotional than your “average female.” It's not just that I cry at movies, or melt at the sight of a kitten. I feel emotion so intensely that it's overwhelming. I think most of us have experienced heartbreak, or known some tragedy that has shaken us to the core. Typically those are quite traumatic, extreme situations that don't generally happen on a regular basis (if they do, we get desensitized). It's like experiencing those powerfully emotional impacts, but not triggered by heartbreak, or death. It reminds me of the film American Beauty. If you've seen it, you know that a couple of the characters describe how the amount of beauty in the world is so powerful that they almost can't handle it.

That's how it is for me. And the only way I can channel that, to let it go, is through creative means. Art, music, poetry, and now yoga.

I'm also sensitive to loud, jarring noises. When I was a kid, I hated fireworks, vacuums, and balloons (when they popped). I can tolerate vacuums now (mostly because they're more quiet), but I still have trouble with fireworks, and I've developed a phobia of being around balloons that are being inflated or popped. Loud applause or harsh clapping is also a slight problem, I've noticed.

I forget day-to-day details. I'll forget something I'm supposed to get at the grocery store, or forget that I was supposed to call a friend of mine. But I remember things that were said, or images, because of my awareness of the whole scene. I don't have perfect awareness or memory that's tuned to every single detail (I couldn't tell you what color the booths at the restaurant were, as well as what shirt you were wearing, and what the waitress's face looked like), but I'll remember odd things that happened months or years ago. I couldn't tell you what was lectured about in my music history class, but could describe the way my professor cocked his head and looked off to the side when he wanted us to listen for a certain tone.
My world view, outlook, philosophy, however you'd like to phrase it, seems unusual as well. I have difficulty describing some things to people who don't “speak the same language” or experience things similarly. I can try, but sometimes I fail miserably. In all likelihood, I expect this is why I rely on art, music, and poetry to communicate myself. There is something about what I see that is closely tied to emotion and images, which can only be conveyed in media that is emotionally and symbolically charged.

At this point I'm exhausted, and cannot keep my eyes open a second longer. I will try to continue this thread.