Waking up in my own bed, hearing the train blare its way through the station, and feeling the cool breeze from my fan waft its way over my hips kind of makes me wonder: Did I dream last weekend? Maybe it was a heat induced hallucination from yesterday afternoon.
Kidding. But it's still rather surreal.
So for those of you who don't know, I drove down to So-Cal with my friend Miss J for the weekend, so I could be at Disneyland for my birthday. The general vibe of the weekend was, shall we say, awesome? We talked about life and food practically nonstop the drive down, and the drive back. My cousin was able to get us in for free with park hoppers tickets, which means the Tower of Terror and Soarin' Over California SO happened. I think Tower of Terror is at its best when you haven't been on it for a while; you forget what it feels like to be free falling and swear that your stomach just jumped out of your eye sockets. Soarin' Over California always wants to make me cry. But for good reasons. It's such a magical experience that if the lines weren't so long, I'd totally go on it over and over and over again.
I've also decided that it's the right time to think about transitioning into being completely vegan. I eat that way most of the time anyway, and with my increasing experience in cooking and research (the dessert pizza vegan-style was freaking AMAZING), I've realized how easy it is. I never thought being vegetarian could come so naturally, and so I have no doubts that I can succeed at cutting dairy and eggs completely out of my diet. I really have enjoyed it, because it's gotten me so inspired about cooking different things (or cooking at all), experimenting, and being conscious about what I'm putting in my body.
Tied to that though (food issues), is something I'm coming to recognize in myself. There's something called overeating, or compulsive eating disorder. It's not bulimia, because one doesn't try to make up for the binges by puking or excessively exercising, but one does go through periods of binging. It may not be constant, and I don't think I have it as bad as others do (and I've found short term ways of controlling it). I used to call it sugar binging; I have this mentality that when sugar is in the house (or other trigger foods like chips or crackers), I need to eat it all in one sitting (or two), so it's gone and won't be tempting me any longer. And as you can probably guess, it turns into a vicious cycle. Right after my boot camp thing ended, I fell into a week long period of occasional binging. And guess what? It's been hard to stop. This is a journey I'm just now embarking on, so we'll see where it takes me.
What else! School starts tomorrow, and all my classes start in the afternoon. I'm planning on getting a pass at the ARC on campus for their group classes so I can start doing yoga with other people again, and maybe some other classes too. It's been bloody hot the last few days, and therefore my apartment has been a little warmer than usual. Luckily it cools down at night and with the windows open, it's no problem.
I'm also working on a new song (no title so far) inspired by the tendency relationships have (no matter what kind they are) of failing, because both parties may not want the same thing, or they fail to express what they want and therefore there appears to be a conflict of interest, and most often people literally cannot understand another person from their own perspective. So far it's written to evoke fairy tale-esque themes and imagery; I'm excited about it!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Pictures coming soon...
I had planned on this oober awesome and long update since it's been so long since I last posted. Moving has gotten in the way of finishing the parts to the series I want to do (big surprise) and I've been feeling a little shitty tonight due to the craptastic eating habits that are finally catching up to me (also a big surprise).
The highlights of the week so far:
Moved into the new apartment on Tuesday. My uncle and a buddy of mine helped, which was amazing. The apartment was an absolute mess (especially the upstairs bathroom), so I asked my cousin for some help to clean up on Wednesday. She was a total trooper and we managed to do quite a bit of work in 4 and a half hours. I suspect a couple guys were staying there over the summer... and as you can imagine, two college guys can produce a lot of nastiness, and not just in a kinky way. It took me an hour and a half to completely clean the tiny upstairs bathroom. Rubber gloves were definitely involved.
I spent the night there on Wednesday night, after staying up until 1 in the morning to unpack everything. I'm really really happy with how things turned out. And I love the space because it has such big windows; it makes everything very bright and makes the room seem bigger. I was worried about it getting too hot, but so far I seem to be getting a nice breeze through one of the windows. I bought a $10 fan that fits on the windowsill; I propped it against the screen and it does a fantastic job of sucking the air in from outside. It'll get a little bad during big heat waves I suspect, but we'll see!
I'm leaving tomorrow for a B-day weekend in So-Cal. I'm excited! A little sad, because it'll be my first birthday away from my parents, but I'm a big girl, I can deal! Besides, I'm gonna get to be in Disneyland. :D
The highlights of the week so far:
Moved into the new apartment on Tuesday. My uncle and a buddy of mine helped, which was amazing. The apartment was an absolute mess (especially the upstairs bathroom), so I asked my cousin for some help to clean up on Wednesday. She was a total trooper and we managed to do quite a bit of work in 4 and a half hours. I suspect a couple guys were staying there over the summer... and as you can imagine, two college guys can produce a lot of nastiness, and not just in a kinky way. It took me an hour and a half to completely clean the tiny upstairs bathroom. Rubber gloves were definitely involved.
I spent the night there on Wednesday night, after staying up until 1 in the morning to unpack everything. I'm really really happy with how things turned out. And I love the space because it has such big windows; it makes everything very bright and makes the room seem bigger. I was worried about it getting too hot, but so far I seem to be getting a nice breeze through one of the windows. I bought a $10 fan that fits on the windowsill; I propped it against the screen and it does a fantastic job of sucking the air in from outside. It'll get a little bad during big heat waves I suspect, but we'll see!
I'm leaving tomorrow for a B-day weekend in So-Cal. I'm excited! A little sad, because it'll be my first birthday away from my parents, but I'm a big girl, I can deal! Besides, I'm gonna get to be in Disneyland. :D
Friday, September 11, 2009
Down the rabbit hole we go... what fun times we will have!
I'm always hesitant to say “You don't know what it's like to feel like you think and see things differently from everyone else,” because on a larger scale, we all see things differently. Simply a combination of our genetic wiring and our personal social constructs provides a unique set up for how we interact with the world, and how and what we think. Granted, there are a lot of similarities and overlaps, but overall each person's lens is a different one.
Now, there are some “universal” (whether that means universal in our society/culture, or literally universal) experiences that we can empathize with because of similar experiences, thoughts, or basic human nature. Pain, for example. I resist the temptation to make pain into a contest (“You don't know how I feel because I've suffered so much more than you have”). While there ARE different levels of pain and the situations surrounding are broad and varied, when it comes down to it, we've all experienced some sort of pain, so at a basic level we can empathize with another living thing when it feels some sort of anguish.
Therefore, saying things like “You don't understand because you haven't been what I've been through,” is a waste of time in my opinion. Of course they haven't been what you've been through. If they had, that would imply that they are physically, mentally, emotionally and literally YOU, and I suggest we should move on to discuss why you're arguing with yourself like that. But! It's also a waste of time because you deny the frame of reference the other person has, simply because they are a human being, too. Most of us have experienced injustice, most of us have experienced love and loss, and to say “You don't understand” is really just a method of shutting down the conversation because you don't want to discuss it. If you honestly want to try and connect with another person, you must first find a common frame of reference you can use to move forward.
It's like math. Finding the common denominator. You're both numbers, you may be completely different, so you must find a common ground, even if that number is 1.
But I digress. I've been over this before. It's just that it still bugs me, and I have to start there before I go on to say “But, I do feel like I see things differently,” partly because I feel the need to lay down the foundation so I don't go off on these abstract tangents without mentioning that I AM taking these other things into consideration.
I have a feeling this could lead to a long, twenty page dissertation on my head, relationships, sex taboos (and taboos in general), and the social contract. But after a lengthy and passionate conversation with my mother this evening, I want to convey these things on a concrete form. Partly so I have access to them for further explorations of human nature and my own complicated brain. I have no illusions that most of my friends and family understand everything that I say; I am grateful to those who humor me and appreciate my twisted ramblings, and those who are able to understand are truly invaluable. Since I'm moving within a week, I don't know how much I'll be able to write, but I want to write a series of blogs on these matters. Life is so exciting and all of these discoveries further my excitement for the complex and abstract, and I must share these things. Otherwise I am certain I may explode from the impassioned giddiness I feel.
To give myself a somewhat organized breakdown, some topics I wish to pontificate on are:
The social contract of relationships and family
The sex taboo (obsession and queer perspectives)
My perception of reality and the “dating game”
The problem of civility and a continuation of social contracts
Now, there are some “universal” (whether that means universal in our society/culture, or literally universal) experiences that we can empathize with because of similar experiences, thoughts, or basic human nature. Pain, for example. I resist the temptation to make pain into a contest (“You don't know how I feel because I've suffered so much more than you have”). While there ARE different levels of pain and the situations surrounding are broad and varied, when it comes down to it, we've all experienced some sort of pain, so at a basic level we can empathize with another living thing when it feels some sort of anguish.
Therefore, saying things like “You don't understand because you haven't been what I've been through,” is a waste of time in my opinion. Of course they haven't been what you've been through. If they had, that would imply that they are physically, mentally, emotionally and literally YOU, and I suggest we should move on to discuss why you're arguing with yourself like that. But! It's also a waste of time because you deny the frame of reference the other person has, simply because they are a human being, too. Most of us have experienced injustice, most of us have experienced love and loss, and to say “You don't understand” is really just a method of shutting down the conversation because you don't want to discuss it. If you honestly want to try and connect with another person, you must first find a common frame of reference you can use to move forward.
It's like math. Finding the common denominator. You're both numbers, you may be completely different, so you must find a common ground, even if that number is 1.
But I digress. I've been over this before. It's just that it still bugs me, and I have to start there before I go on to say “But, I do feel like I see things differently,” partly because I feel the need to lay down the foundation so I don't go off on these abstract tangents without mentioning that I AM taking these other things into consideration.
I have a feeling this could lead to a long, twenty page dissertation on my head, relationships, sex taboos (and taboos in general), and the social contract. But after a lengthy and passionate conversation with my mother this evening, I want to convey these things on a concrete form. Partly so I have access to them for further explorations of human nature and my own complicated brain. I have no illusions that most of my friends and family understand everything that I say; I am grateful to those who humor me and appreciate my twisted ramblings, and those who are able to understand are truly invaluable. Since I'm moving within a week, I don't know how much I'll be able to write, but I want to write a series of blogs on these matters. Life is so exciting and all of these discoveries further my excitement for the complex and abstract, and I must share these things. Otherwise I am certain I may explode from the impassioned giddiness I feel.
To give myself a somewhat organized breakdown, some topics I wish to pontificate on are:
The social contract of relationships and family
The sex taboo (obsession and queer perspectives)
My perception of reality and the “dating game”
The problem of civility and a continuation of social contracts
Monday, September 7, 2009
An art roll is a kind of sushi, right?
I seem to be on this art roll. I finished the tattoo commission, which my friend is quite happy with, then I did the fantasy landscape.
Currently, I should be working on not so fun stuff; namely getting packed up so I can move on the 15th. But yesterday I sewed/altered a couple t-shirts into new shirts, and I'll hopefully have pictures of those up soon. Maybe later today or tomorrow. I started messing around with a sketch of a weird creature that I hope to finish for Tangent Gallery's Neo-Fantasy show (Which is in February, so theoretically I should have PLENTY of time. Maybe I'll expand on the idea and make a bigger piece, or more than one. It kind of reminds me of a Tim Burton-esque character, but I want to push it to the next level so I don't feel like I'm just copying. We'll see!)
So that's about it. We're going to pop out today and buy some cheap t-shirts so I can continue my reign of terror (or something) on clothing. Or I'll resign myself to the shitload of house cleaning I should be doing. Either way, cheers!
Currently, I should be working on not so fun stuff; namely getting packed up so I can move on the 15th. But yesterday I sewed/altered a couple t-shirts into new shirts, and I'll hopefully have pictures of those up soon. Maybe later today or tomorrow. I started messing around with a sketch of a weird creature that I hope to finish for Tangent Gallery's Neo-Fantasy show (Which is in February, so theoretically I should have PLENTY of time. Maybe I'll expand on the idea and make a bigger piece, or more than one. It kind of reminds me of a Tim Burton-esque character, but I want to push it to the next level so I don't feel like I'm just copying. We'll see!)
So that's about it. We're going to pop out today and buy some cheap t-shirts so I can continue my reign of terror (or something) on clothing. Or I'll resign myself to the shitload of house cleaning I should be doing. Either way, cheers!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Contemplating art
I'm considering creating an arm piece (tattoo) for when I reach my goal weight.
I'm thinking about something botanical (maybe trees... I really adore trees and it's rather symbolic of my life and my history) and combining that with the phoenix. I came close to being named Phoenix Ray, but Dad didn't want to go that route (big surprise, hehe). But the meaning of Tasia (shortened version of Anastasia) is similar, if not the same: rising from the ashes. Accomplishing this goal (weight loss) will be a huge milestone for me. I've been chubby/overweight/borderline obese for half my life (starting when I was put in home study; great for my intellectual side, but not so great for exercise! Especially after I suffered a back injury and had to quit karate) and I realized a week ago that I literally don't know what it's like to be, and live, as an active, healthy, fit person. Once you reach your heaviest weight, which for me was 225, your mind stays at that weight. It's more than a body image problem. My theory is, since weight loss (healthy weight loss anyway) is so gradual, whatever weight you are at becomes the "new fat." I refuse to let that mentality rule the rest of my life, and want to actively change that. Rise from the ashes, as it were. You must always die to be reborn, and I'm looking forward to all the changes that I will create
I'm thinking about something botanical (maybe trees... I really adore trees and it's rather symbolic of my life and my history) and combining that with the phoenix. I came close to being named Phoenix Ray, but Dad didn't want to go that route (big surprise, hehe). But the meaning of Tasia (shortened version of Anastasia) is similar, if not the same: rising from the ashes. Accomplishing this goal (weight loss) will be a huge milestone for me. I've been chubby/overweight/borderline obese for half my life (starting when I was put in home study; great for my intellectual side, but not so great for exercise! Especially after I suffered a back injury and had to quit karate) and I realized a week ago that I literally don't know what it's like to be, and live, as an active, healthy, fit person. Once you reach your heaviest weight, which for me was 225, your mind stays at that weight. It's more than a body image problem. My theory is, since weight loss (healthy weight loss anyway) is so gradual, whatever weight you are at becomes the "new fat." I refuse to let that mentality rule the rest of my life, and want to actively change that. Rise from the ashes, as it were. You must always die to be reborn, and I'm looking forward to all the changes that I will create
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