Dreams

The dreams I've had throughout my life have been very varied, and vivid. When I was a kid, I dreamed that Beethoven saved me from a fire by pushing me, on a sled, down a snowy slope. I've had very complex action dreams that resembled James Bond movies or video games. I've had dreams that have revealed inner wisdom, or revealed animal totems. And most of these have been messages of where I'm putting my energy.

This time of year tends to create a lot of nostalgia for me. Nostalgia a type of suffering, but is also a choice: a choice to slip back into the past and old habits, or to let them go. This year, my nostalgia has been the things my ex boyfriend and I used to do together. Not him specifically, but my memory of us at that point in time, and that feeling of coziness as the weather grew cooler. With that nostalgia has come resentment, I think. Old resentment that's dusted itself off to come out of last February and the months leading up to summer.

I dreamed that I had to go to his house to pick up something of mine. When I arrived, and he came out to meet me, I flew into such a rage, that I started hitting and kicking him. As much as I tried, I couldn't do any damage to him; I was just upsetting myself more and more. After he went back inside, I got ready to leave. But the window to the living room was open, and I could see him, his new girlfriend, and a collection of his friends that I knew and had met when we were dating, laughing and talking.

What is it like to realize that you are no longer a part of someone's life? Or rather, to wonder what it's like for them now that you're out of their life?
Where is that focus?
The external gaze will always find unrest, as it seeks to figure out the ego's placement in another person's story. In that sense, it's not about me.

But the internal gaze seeks awareness. In this sense, it is about "I," and where my focus has been the last few weeks. Returning to one's intention, always returning.